yesterday i cried. and then after crying i ordered myself a dozen donuts. that’s twelve whole donuts! all. for. myself. i guess corona has finally gotten to me – or it’s been getting to me for a while and i just hadn’t realised. no, i don’t have the virus – keep the prayers coming, thank :). no, i think i’m maybe starting to feel… idk, maybe call it loneliness. i am a very social person, not the kind that loves parties and being in large crowds, but still a social person. in fact, those kind of make me uncomfortable. i love game nights with friends, midnight walks home from drinks with friends, attending plays and acappella concerts with friends. i’m that kind of social person. and man, i miss it, and i’m tired. a few days ago i walked past a sports frat house party and i envied it. i, sharon joy kwinjo, envied a frat party. ha! talk about the work of a virus. yesterday i cried. well, i guess i’ve been crying a lot over the last two weeks. at first i just blamed it on my period, cause let’s be real, those hormones do things to you. and then my period ended, and i kept crying. no, no, don’t worry. don’t all grab your phones at once to check in – i’m doing okay (or am i?). i haven’t just been crying though (again, i’m doing okay), i’ve been crying at things. anytime something remotely emotional comes up on tv, it gets me (or maybe the final season of orange is the new black is just that good!). i’ve cried watching so many shows. y’all, everytime chrishelle even showed her face in season 3 of selling sunset, i was out. so yeah, i’ve been crying. but yesterday i cried. i cried because i realised that maybe it wasn’t just my hormones causing me to cry the last two weeks, but rather that maybe i just miss something. i miss life as it is supposed to be. i miss knowing that having to go to my friends wedding doesn’t mean i’ll need to miss two weeks of work to self-quarantine, especially seeing as i’m new on the job! i miss knowing that i can visit my brother for christmas and spend time with him and his family without needing to self quarantine for two weeks and essentially losing my entire christmas vacation staying alone in a hotel room. i have friends. that’s one of the joys of staying an extra year in the city of your alma mater. i guess maybe after six months of separation some of those friendships start to, and so maybe a part of me is mourning the loss of those friendships as i used to know them. but hey, cliche or not, it’s true – maybe the evolution of these friendships is not bad at all, maybe its because they are just growing into something more beautiful. so i’m tired. i’m of being away from those i love and knowing that i can’t be with them. anyway, i don’t think i can even call *this* loneliness. yesterday i cried. to be fair, i only ate three of those dozen donuts. but i still ordered them. and then today a wonderful friend called. and she made me feel a lot better about ordering a dozen donuts – called it “treating myself”. ha! and well, i guess it’s friends like these that make this period of social distancing better. the friends that make you feel ok for doing something as dumb as ordering yourself a dozen donuts. yesterday i cried. and i’m glad i did. if you’re anything like me, then these cries are so essential to your day to day functioning. i think the strange thing is not that i cried yesterday, but that i hadn’t cried in the last three to four months. for me, crying is an essential part of my life. i must cry every couple of weeks to let go of my emotions. or my something. i’m just a very emotional person. misodzi yangu iri padhuze. again, no need to text and check in. i’m doing alright. idk what i let go of, really, when i cry. i just know it’s something that i must cry to let go. or maybe it’s not something i’m letting go of when i cry, but something i’m grabbing a hold of. allowing myself to acknowledge what i feel and just feel it. the joy and the sadness. and what better way to express both than by crying. i’m doing better because yesterday i cried. btw – i have eight more donuts to go.
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QueenJoy
CANDID SHAR'N 